for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
