you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
