Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
