How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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