I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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