where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
