When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
