Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
