u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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