A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
