And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
