I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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