I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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