We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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