I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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