He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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