i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
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