my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
