i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
