my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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