I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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