I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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