Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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