I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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