DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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