Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
