Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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