I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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