I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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