be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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