I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
