So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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