The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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