I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
