Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
