weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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