update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Semen is not good for contacts.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
