He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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