Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
