i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
