i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
