Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
