I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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