wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
