the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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