found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
