going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
