doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
