She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I need moral support for this bender
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
