Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
