my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
