i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
