ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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