fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
