Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
