I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I met the friendliest cop last night
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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