I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
