He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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